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Criminally Ugly Christmas Sweaters

In 2001, just when we thought the insidious effects of the Chevy Chase sweater era had finally disappeared, there was a noticeable uptick in ugly sweater use… the alarming trend had returned and has since snowballed from there. Across the nation and the world, hundreds of innocent people fall victim to ghastly sweater wearage every holiday season.

These are risky times we live in. A trip to the mall could become a fashion disaster in the blink of an eye. Keep an eye out for the sweaters pictured here – they are still at large. If you spot any of them, don’t panic. Just turn away quickly, alert the authorities and seek shelter.

Out of respect for the fashion victims, these sweaters are being presented here exactly as they happened. Out of respect for their relatives, the faces have been hidden…

This sweater preys on the socially awkward and was last seen on some poor guy shopping for a Christmas tree in an outdoor tree lot. He may have been mistaken for one of the trees, so keep an eye out for family cars on the highway with a middle aged fashion victim tied to the roof. If spotted, call 1-800-guy-tree.

This sweater will most likely go after guys whose girlfriends have a sadistic sense of humor, or whose mothers mean well but just don’t get it. The wearer is often trying to avoid hurting feelings and will be made to suffer untold levels of humiliation to do so. If located, please call 1-800-elf-body.

This sweater is rarely seen in public and tends to disguise itself as an overpriced gag gift. It’s considered extremely dangerous at parties where drinks may be carelessly spilled on its electrical system, causing the wearer to scream involuntarily. If encountered, call 1-800-shocked.

This family of sweaters tends to prey on families trying way too hard to be cute. The reward for capturing these sweaters as a group is quite generous, as children are involved. If found, please call 1-800-kid-help.

The origin of this sweater is uncertain, as it has been “re-gifted” too many times to trace back. However, it leaves a trail of social devastation in its wake, and authorities may be close to locating its latest hideout. If you have any information, please call 1-800-man-tled.

The Shop Window Gang, as they’re known, mug attractive window display sweaters, stuff them in an inconspicuous corner of the shop, and then take their places on the mannequins. They’re never in one place for long, moving to another window display case at another mall, and so on, before authorities can ever catch up with them. They will continue this trail-of-terror until they are caught – or worse – until they are bought. PLEASE do not purchase them. Instead, call 1-800-WINDONT.

To all of our fashion-conscious citizens out there…Happy Holidays, and be careful out there.

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